Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
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After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize