Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
bring money and cleavage
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Randomize
