everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
