Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
