Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
