I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
