So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
