There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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