there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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