Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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