I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
