Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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