There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Randomize
