I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
