But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
