apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Every concussion has its silver lining
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
