um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
