my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
