Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
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Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
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We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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