i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
