i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
