It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i think i have two assholes
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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