She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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