Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
