it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
