Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
