Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
