Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize