I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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