my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
