why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I haven't been this sober since birth.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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