The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
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