I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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