Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
