Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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