Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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