I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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