This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
