My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
