I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
