i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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