Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
