Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
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