cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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