the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
