I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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