Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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