Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
