can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
