Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
