I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
