i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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