dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
