I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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