Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
