I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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