My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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