if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
