just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
