I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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