she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
