she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
